Something I wrote several years ago for a conference, but still as valid.
You know they're all true.
Admit it ...
A Guide to Theatre
A Lexicon of Life for Luvvies
Director –
A person who a psychiatrist would describe as ‘having issues’. They are never
wrong, they are always right and have an uncanny ability to spend inordinate
amounts of time worrying about things that do not matter whilst ignoring the
obvious; if it was bad, it was your fault. If it was good, it was their idea.
Assistant Director – the person who you would never allow to direct on their own and giving
them this job is a good way to keep them from whining for another season
Choreographer – the person who changes their mind at every rehearsal on what they
want you to do and after 60 years of doing it has still not realised that the same
hard core of women will always end up on the front row and that all male chorus
members have the dancing ability of a millipede that has had a significant
stroke. The company must also be resigned to the fact that the bows will always
be re-set during the interval on the opening night.
MD – they
shout and demand that you should always watch them, but the tempi they beat
never bears any resemblance to what the orchestra is playing. It is not helped
by the fact that they live in their own little alternate reality, in which they
are third in line to God but as they don’t believe in God they only have the
Pope to worry about.
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Wardrobe Mistress – a bit like a surrealist artist in that what they produce bears no
resemblance to the reality of your shape. She possess a tape measure that
appears to have more elastic in it than all the alto’s frocks put together.
Actors – According
to the stage crew, actors are merely self-propelled props and they annoyingly
get in the way of the audience enjoying the view of their wonderful set.
Principals
– a small group of people who defy medical science in that they suffer with a
severe throat and chest infection for six months which then magically
disappears on opening night. This wonder-virus can then reappear at the first
sign of a fluffed line or bum-note.
Supporting principal – is a performer who has the ability to have a foot
in each camp when it suits. They are a ‘lead role’ when slagging off the chorus,
but a member of the general company when all the principals are rubbish.
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The Chorus
– a group of individuals who retain that individuality at all times,
particularly when instructed to do any move or gesture that requires them to
appear the same as everybody else. Additionally, they must possess the ability
to engage in copious amounts of nodding, shrugging, head shaking, pointing,
sighing and knowing looks, as this to them constitutes acting.
Libretto –
a very vague sketch of the plot over which nobody should ever have a hang up
about paying attention to. It is there to be wantonly butchered by the director
(who clearly knows better than the author) and then blatantly disregarded by
the actors (who always know better
than the director).
Stage Manager – for a detailed description, see the entry entitled: ‘Psychopathic
alcoholic chain smoking stress monkey, who hates theatre and all those involved
in it’.
The Orchestra – a happy, fun loving group of individuals who ironically appear to despise
amateur theatre. They are the last ones to arrive for a band call but always
the first ones to leave it. They are invariably not professional musicians but
are glad to claim the same rate of pay. They enjoy the performance so much,
they listen to ipods or mark exercise books during it and when they miss their
cues and entrances, shake their heads and blame the MD.
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Sound Engineer – the guy who ironically has the worst hearing ability you have ever
encountered and believes that a 150db whine bouncing around the auditorium is
the fault of: the actor, their costume, the poor venue, mobile phones, a lack
of projection, sun spots or a combination of all of them and regularly chants ‘… its not my equipment. Do you know how
much this cost?’ If there is any feedback across the system he is for some
odd reason, the last person to hear it. He also convinces you that a whole roll
of micropore encasing his precious radio mic’ and your head, is actually
invisible to the audience.
Sound Plot
– this will undoubtedly have little to do with the piece being performed and
will be an opportunity for the sound guy to share an in-joke with his obligatory,
pimply assistant. For example, the requirement for a simple door bell will
sound like Notre Dame on Christmas Day and if he gets a whiff of a requirement
for inclement weather to be represented in the action, you can guarantee that
the end result will be the sound of a category 5 hurricane accompanied by a thunder
clap straight out of a Hammer House of
Horror film.
Lighting Engineer – An individual who looks 12 and acts like he is 70 or a 70 year old
who acts like he is 12. He sits in the best seat in the house, sees what goes
wrong at the dress and then never mentions the problem until the after show
party. He is the one at a technical who insists on recreating a teleportation
scene from Star Trek by constantly
fading sharply focused lights on and off above each principal on stage. Even
though he will delay the start of the dress by hours, the lighting will oddly, still
be the same on the last night as it was during the technical.
Stage Crew
– A group of committed individuals who do not appear to speak a language you
have ever heard before, have no concept of personal hygiene and who do not have
any hobbies, friends or living pets.
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Lighting plot – a psychedelic mixture of as many coloured gels as possible, shuffled
into no particular order and with no bearing on the set, the mood of the piece,
what the piece actually is or whether there is anybody on stage. To complete
the tableau, it must always be shrouded in copious amounts of smoke, especially
when the story does not require smoke. In addition, a lighting plot which
bathes the stage in pools of shadow, sufficient to make what is on the stage
invisible, will always be described by the engineer as ‘atmospheric’. During a
performance, unexpected blackouts are not mistakes, but simply
additional cues that the lighting engineer will swear blind the director asked
for.
Props mistress – a person who lives in their own little world and where a good night in
consists of feeding their 15 cats, making a replica firearm and replenishing
their stocks of home made fake blood.
Prompt – to
qualify for this important position, the person must have the hearing ability
of a sound engineer and be at least 70 years old. They will turn up for the
first time at the ‘dress’ and will fill you with confidence by saying that they
know the piece, all the lines, all the pauses and who is playing what; this
confidence is misplaced. When you ask for a prompt they will leave you for a
good minute to make sure you really don’t know and then shout out to the stage
manager in a resounding voice for the audience to hear: “what page are they on now?”
Tea lady –
the individual who turns up even before
the rehearsal period has started but knows the piece, everybody’s lines all the
pauses and who should be playing what. No matter what your gripe, you can
guarantee that she will agree with you and will almost convince you that at
4’8” tall and 17 stone, she was until the last show, the principal dancer of
the company.
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Front of House – the stalwarts of any company who, when dressed up in their obligatory
formal evening wear, look like they are about to stage ‘The Importance of Being Ernest’. The male element will invariably
have at least forty years worth of after show hotpot splattered down their
front and even though there are only half a dozen of them, they will still sell
90% of the tickets. They will also make some radical suggestions at the AGM such
as “Why don’t we do something new like a
G & S?”
Audition –
a chance for people who have already been cast, to audition for the role in
front of a group of people who have already cast them. It is also an
opportunity for those who will never be
cast in any role, to be publicly humiliated one more time and then spend yet
another six months whining about the fact to anybody who is stupid enough to
make eye contact with them.
Blocking -
The skill of moving actors around the stage in such a way as not to collide
with the set, the people on it, or their egos. It is similar to playing chess,
except that in chess, the pieces do not know better or talk back.
Rehearsal
- a 2½ hour period in your life similar in every respect to an alien abduction
in that by the time you get to the pub after it, you cannot remember what has
taken place.
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The ‘Get-in’
– that fun time when you never actually assist the stage crew getting in, but
turn up early to get the best seat in the dressing room and bitch about those
who have not yet arrived.
Technical
– another fun exercise in which the technical crew attempt to fit a set into a
space half the size available and following which, the director and/or
choreographer re-block 6 months work in half an hour.
Dress rehearsal - similar to a child’s first day at nursery: Tantrums, tears and new
outfits you do not want to be in.
Costume call – a magical event when no costume seems to fit you and yet where the
mirrors in the changing rooms are possessed of mystical qualities that prove to
all stood watching that beyond any doubt, you have never been anything other
than a size 12.
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Make-up –
a substance used by amateur performers which always makes them appear like (a) a
character out of Sesame Street, (b) somebody with a tropical disease or (c)
a patient with a severe liver function abnormality
The Set –
a term used to represent a thing which is nothing like it has been described to
you for the past six months. Similar in many respects to a holy shrine in that
you should stare in awe and wonder at it when The Creator is watching and under
no circumstance find fault in it, lest you want The Creator to self combust. NB
Stage smoke only comes in two types: dense & impenetrable
Props –
items to be considered but never worried about. They must always be placed by
the crew in the wrong place and returned to a different place by the company
where the props mistress would not dream of looking for them
The Strike
- The time immediately following the last performance when all the cast and
crew members are required to stay and dismantle the set, but then as the word
infers, they strike a pose and watch two people who then do everything. Doing
this whilst holding a very cold alcoholic drink and repeating several times how
hot and tired you are will always motivate the two happy workers. It is also
very useful during this to stand on the stage and constantly stare above you,
pointing now and again to complete the effect. Repeatedly saying things like,
“where shall I put this nail I have found?” and “I always feel like I am in the
way” are vital. Giving helpful tips to people carrying very heavy objects is a
must. Always remember to raise your hand positively to confirm your
availability to attend at 7am the following day to clear the venue,
particularly when you have no intention of doing so.
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After show party – a very special occasion when ladies in particular like to either wear
their most expensive outfits, or their least flattering ones; preferably a
jogging suit, bought in 1982. Either way the ritual requires them to keep on
their stage makeup which by now has run and smeared to the extent they look like
Van Gogh’s palette. Everybody then competes with each other to spout the most
self-righteous, self-congratulatory, fawning, sycophantic platitudes they can
physically muster and when the recipient leaves for home, get in one last bitch
with the stage crew who by now are too drunk to avoid you, disagree or care.
Post show meeting & AGM – a time for people who know no better to give an
opinion on things on which they have no idea and come up with groundbreaking
labour intensive ideas for raising money which they have no intention of
helping with. They will also give a very vocal opinion on why the show made a
loss whilst failing to comprehend that they are one of a group responsible for
the deficit, created by the fact that they and their like only ordered only one
ticket … and even then, returned it unsold at the cast party. If when
discussing the next production you have no suggestions, remember to keep
calling out ‘… but there’s nothing in it
for the chorus’. But be content that even after three hours arguing, you
will still do the piece the chairman first suggested and for which the
committee have uncannily, already got a licence.
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